Get in loser. You’re holding up the freaking car line.
So I have a confession to make.
I’m one of Those Moms.
The ones who cut the school car line.
Shut up I know.
But in my defense, it’s only because I think I’m better than you.
Or, you know, because car line can make normal people act like assholes.
Here’s the deal.
Our school has three rules when it comes to dropping off your kid in the morning.
I know this because I write the weekly newsletter and am therefore possibly the only one who reads it.
So without further ado, here they are:
1) Stay inside your car. 2) Move all the way up in the line. 3) Children exit curbside.
Break these rules and there will be hell to pay.
By which I mean you will endure the death stares of about a hundred skinny bitches hopped up on green juice, but nothing of consequence will actually ever happen.
Case in point:
There’s this chick.
With a long blonde ponytail.
And every morning she stops her car smack in the middle of the drop-off line instead of pulling all the way to the front, a move that effectively brings the flow of cars behind her to a maddening halt.
I know what you’re thinking.
Um. What’s the big deal? We’ve all broken the rules from time to time, amiright?
But here’s the thing.
This chick highjacks drop off every single day. And yes I sometimes exaggerate but no, I’m not exaggerating.
And she doesn’t just stop her car briefly in the line, by the way. Because what fun would that be? She actually throws it into park, GETS OUT, and walks around to the passenger side to unbuckle her kid and kiss him goodbye. And just when you think the show is finally over, she plants herself on the sidewalk and — as an encore — stands there watching as her kid walks away.
You think it sounds sweet, don’t you? You think I’m just a bored suburban housewife with anger issues, right?
Then imagine you’re stuck in one of the non-moving cars behind this chick because, you know, you are actually following the rules. Meanwhile, the seconds keep turning into minutes, your own kids are now officially late for school, you totally have to pee, and your chance of making the 9 am bikram is slowly slipping away.
Wait. Is that why she does it? So she can score the best spot at yoga while we are all still stuck in the line?
Well played lady, well played.
Look, we get it. You love your kids. And this is how you choose to show it. But — newsflash! — you are not the only mom on earth who has ever had to, I don’t know, send their child off to school.
What you are is the drunk dude who stumbles over to the blackjack table and hits on a 14 when the dealer is showing a 4, effectively killing the vibe.
So just freaking stop it, ok?
I get that drop off can sometimes be hard. Been there, lived that. But that’s why our school has a parking lot just a few feet away. Where you can, you know, actually park your car and walk your kid inside.
Here’s an idea.
Follow the rules and go freaking park there.
Otherwise I will just have to keep BREAKING the rules myself by cutting in front of you, ensuring myself a first-place win in the Worst Example Set by a Mom category as I pull my car out of line, step on the gas, zoom past all the innocent bystanders and start throwing my kids’ backpacks out the window so they can get the hell out outta my car without being tardy.
And I’d like to thank all the selfish bitches who work so tirelessly to hold up the carline, without which I might never be tardy.
Obviously this was not so much a confession as a rant disguised as a confession.
But I’m a suburban housewife and passive aggression is how we do so just go with it, K?