Get in loser. You’re holding up the freaking car line.
So I have a confession to make.
I’m one of Those Moms.
The ones who cut the school car line.
Shut up I know.
But in my defense, it’s only because I think I’m better than you.
But I do cut the school car line.
Almost every day.
Because I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.
Or, you know, because car line can make normal people act like assholes.
Our school has three rules when it comes to dropping off your kid in the morning.
I know this because I write the weekly newsletter and am therefore possibly the only one who reads it.
So without further ado, here they are:
1) Stay inside your car. 2) Move all the way up in the line. 3) Children exit curbside.
Break these rules and there will be hell to pay.
By which I mean you will endure the death stares of about a hundred skinny bitches hopped up on green juice, but nothing of consequence will actually ever happen.
Case in point:
There’s this chick.
With a long blonde ponytail.
Let’s call her LBP for short.
Mostly because I have no idea what her actual name is.
There’s this chick.
And every morning she stops her car smack in the middle of the drop-off line instead of pulling all the way to the front, a move that effectively brings the flow of cars behind her to a maddening halt.
I know what you’re thinking.
Um. What’s the big deal?
I mean, LBP is far from the only mom who does this. We’ve all broken the rules from time to time, right?
But here’s the thing.
LBP highjacks the drop-off line every single day. And yes I sometimes exaggerate but no, I’m not exaggerating.
And this chick, along with the dozen or so others who follow suit, don’t just stop their cars briefly in the line, by the way. They actually park them there, GET OUT, and walk around to the passenger side to unbuckle their kids, help them out of the car and kiss them goodbye. And just when you think the show is finally over, they plant themselves on the sidewalk and — as an encore — stand there watching and waving as their kids walk away.
You think it sounds sweet, don’t you?
Then imagine you’re now stuck in one of the non-moving cars behind one of these chicks because, you know, you are actually following the rules. Meanwhile, the seconds keep turning into minutes, your kids are now officially late for school, you totally have to pee, and your chance of making the 9 am bikram is slowly slipping away.
Wait. Is that why they do it? So they can score the best spots at yoga?
Well played, ladies, well played.
Look, we get it. You love your kids. And this is how you choose to show it. But — newsflash! — you are not the only moms on earth who have ever had to, I don’t know, send their children off to school.
What you are, collectively, is the drunk dude who stumbles over to the blackjack table and hits on a 14 when the dealer is showing a 4, effectively killing the vibe.
And bitches, you are killing our vibe.
Crushing our school spirit.
Messing with the carline mojo.
So just freaking stop it, ok?
I get that drop off can sometimes be hard. Been there, lived that. But that’s why our school has a parking lot just a few feet away. Where you can, you know, actually park your car and walk your kid inside.
Here’s an idea.
Go freaking park there.
Otherwise I will just have to keep cutting in front of you, ensuring myself a first-place win in the Worst Example Set by a Mom category as I pull my car out of line, step on the gas, zoom past all the innocent bystanders and start throwing my kids’ backpacks out the window so they can get the hell out outta my car without being tardy.
And I’d like to thank all you selfish bitches who work so tirelessly to hold up the carline, without which I might never be tardy.
Obviously this was not so much a confession as a rant disguised as a confession.
But I’m a suburban housewife and passive aggression is how we do so just go with it, K?
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- yossarian2852 said:Great stuff. Really funny in a true life way. Give her hell!
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