Ok look.

I never thought I’d be sitting here writing about sex toys either.

But this one is hot pink!

And waterproof!

And in light of the whole Fifty Shades frenzy that has us all using phrases like “ben wa balls” and “kinky fuckery” in casual car-line conversation, I’m kinda thinking there aren’t many more hard rules.

And I know you all know what I mean.

So if you’ve finished the last book and it’s left you feeling as frustrated as Ana at the masked ball, I’ll let you in on a little secret:

Fab.com is currently rocking a Jimmyjane flash sale on luxury sex toys.

And you thought this was gonna be a post about pink plastic bowling pins.

Anyway.

This cute little sucker — i’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere — goes by the name Form 4 Vibrator.

But you can call it a “vibe” if it makes you feel better.

(It totally does, right?)

And if not, maybe this description will:

Though strong and firm, Form 4 also has a bit of give—just like a good lover. While the shape adapts to your body, the over-sized motor provides exceptional power, exactly where you crave it.

Hot damn!

Fab is offering this bad boy — plus a bunch of other cryptically-names toys like the Iconic Ring and the Little Steel — for 30 percent off while supplies last.

And you’ll find them all under the “Guide To a Cliche-Free Valentine’s Day”. 

Cliche-free and Fifty-free, baby!

But apparently not orgasm-free.

So stop biting your lip and go get one.