January 2009
72 posts
Got a Phone Call This Morning From a Friend in New...
Her: So what are you up to today?
Me: The usual. Emma's got basketball in the morning and voice lessons in the afternoon and Dyl's got a birthday party and...
Her, interrupting: I said what are YOU up to.
Me: Who?
Ok. I didn't really say that last thing. But I may as well have. Because I for realz can't recall the last time I did something on a Saturday afternoon that did not revolve around my kids.
Boo freaking hoo.
You hear that sound?
That's me calling my babysitter.
“He broke his bone. I… I broke his bone.”
– Little Grey, regarding McSteamy’s intern-inflicted penile fracture
Girl Walks Into A Bar...
Forgot to tell you.
I was out to dinner with four friends last week.
(That’s five altogether in case you’re slow with the math).
And it was somehow revealed that every single one of us met our husband in a bar.
One of us may have even been wearing a midriff-baring top and dancing on a pool table at the time.
Ok it was me.
Let’s hear it for the liquid confidence, ladies!
...
“Why is it called a ‘supermarket’? There’s just food there. You...”
– my six-year-old, channeling Jerry Seinfeld.
“When you’re happy, the whole world is New York.”
– Lindsay Lohan, Confessions of a Drama Queen
Things You Learn From Watching Barbie Movies
Son: Mommy? Do you like castles?
Me: I LOVE castles.
Son: Do you like princess castles? Or prince castles?
Me: I like them both.
Son: But what is a prince? Is it like a princess, only a boy?
Me: Um, sort of...
Daughter: You're wrong, Mommy! A prince is SO not like a princess. He's just a boy who dances.
I Don't Want No Scrubs
Can someone please explain to me why doctor’s offices close for lunch?
Seriously. Who closes for lunch? Not Wall Street. Not the fire department. Not even the post office. Need stamps on your lunch hour…? Check. A quart of milk…? Check. Pick up your dry cleaning…?
Now that’s what you pay your assistant for.
But if it’s 12:30 p.m. and your kid’s running...
“Every person is beautiful on the inside, provided that they are also extremely...”
– Amy Ozols, The New Yorker (via birdgirl)
“Dylan, why don’t you try acting appropriate?”
– my six-year-old to my three-year-old, who was engaged in a spitting contest with his friend at the time.
“You know Lindsay Lohan? She’s, like, really famous.”
– the understatement of the year, via my six-year-old
Kill Her Instinct
So my daughter came home from school today hysterically crying.
Apparently, some mean girl third grader kicked her in the shin on the bus.
And as I sat there, holding her in my arms and trying to stop the flow of tears, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I was going to hunt down that little bitch and punch her in the face.
I know her first name. And I know the name of the street she...
My Three-Year-Old Calls 'Em Like He Sees 'Em
Him: Hey Mom! Can you get me another cheese stick?
Me, not glancing up from my computer: Sure.
Him: So get it.
Me: I am.
Him: MOM!
Me: I'm getting it right now
Him: No you're not. You're on your blog!
Conversation Between My Husband & His Tailor,...
Tailor: You should have seen the parking lot here yesterday. It was so packed you couldn't even drive because everyone was freaking out about the snow storm.
Husband: Yeah. All these Main Line moms in their $60,000 four-wheel drive SUVs were out stocking up on designer water in case we get a few inches of snow.
Then he paid $50 to get his $195 jeans hemmed, climbed into his $60,000 four-wheel drive SUV and drove home.
Spoiler Alert
“Hey Mommy… Marley dies at the end.” — first thing out of my daughter’s mouth when I pick her up from school today.